Self loathing
HOW
do you hide when your mind becomes a revolving wheel
where you are just a tiny nut bolt in the rim,
making tiny threats to crack or jump ship?
NO ONE CARES
because there’s no one left to listen
once you’ve pushed them all out of your mental condition.
Now I’m just mumbling to myself, verbal lacerations and reiterated advice,
things I wish I’d said, things I wish to God I didn’t,
Hoping a few jumbled words will spell out the answer
but, it’s like playing alone with a Ouija board.
I know how to cheat my own demons
and switch on the selective hearing aid
when things get too real.
HOW
do you keep your head up when the hemispheres are wrestling
like pinnacles of right and wrong wielding sickle and cross?
I cannot believe there is any good in my nature, at all.
I am the one always picking the fight
and jumping sides like a half breed of something so ugly
I cannot stand still in fear of how people will see me when I stop.
HOW
do you cope when you finally see yourself,
manipulating everything because misery is more reliable than a smile?
You’ll never run out of a cold bottle as long as there is refrigeration
but, a warm body is on borrowed time.
So, who do you let into YOUR life?
HOW
do you do what’s right in closing,
when all you have from scratch is the wrong idea
and self-loathing?
