Out there
There is a place we all go
against our will and right mind.
It’s a universal force we’ll all ride
but never acknowledge we’re driving.
Like being possessed,
we can say when it’s over
but never, while it’s going.
It will feel like the right thing to do
until you realize that you were
reading from a manual of mixed signals and reaching truths.
You had to know it could go either way
but somehow didn’t expect one.
Off you went, as if some assurance came in the doing
only to find, there is none.
“Nothing ventured, nothing gained”
is the standard and terrible cliche people will use
as if to evoke some personal epiphany or bottom line advice
like there is nothing to lose.
Well, let me tell you, this place
is cold and deserves more thought
than anything that has ever been quoted.
If I could say I’m never going back,
I would front the movement against being bold
and never take another risk with my broken parts.
I would stand at its door with caution tape and industrial strength
to ward you all away for your own good.
The place just gnaws at your cool
like a rabid dog making a chew toy of its fence.
It’s being naked while fully clothed,
a hyper vigilance that makes your arms and legs
feel like facial expressions you need to hide to keep from telling secrets.
It makes bitter old armor of anxious pure longing
until people have forgotten about the chances that are every so often
worth surviving the hindsight.
Feeling vulnerable and nauseous
won’t pass like a bodily function,
it just sits and spins between the tip of your tongue
and pit of your stomach,
until its will is done.
I know by now, when it’s fully progressed and beyond fighting
still, I’ll try to confront the proverbial heart
like a human being that can be rationalized with.
“LET ME GO”!!
I want to scream to my fool impulses
like some man handling marauder
who would look puzzled and scoff surly from my imagination
“I can’t, I’m part of you, stupid!”
She’s walking towards me
and I have to bite back the smile from my lips.
I turn my attention to nothing special
and focus my energy away from feeling
but, who am I kidding?
Each and every time
my toe taps this ledge like pool water,
waiting for bad experience and an impending phobia
to keep me from going in
but, I’ll be damned if it ever did.
I’m sure and swearing off love,
until I meet her
and fall fast back into puppet theater
like a reoccurring nightmare I can’t ever change or fully wake from.
I’m dragging my feet into a trench and weighing the risk
against the what ifs as though it were my decision.
My chest loudly drums and my nerves grate
knowing it could go either way but only expecting one.
I don’t wanna be out there again,
but I will, so, wish me luck.
