I’ve loved you since…
I’ve loved you since…
the first day I walked into my senior year
English course
and you crept up to the front of the class
from the farthest seat in the back,
announcing yourself
as an English major
in graduate school
here for an internship
with our teacher,
oh and your name was
Regina.
Something drew my attention
besides your nervous smile
and sharp city accent,
but, I couldn’t place it.
I know now
that I’ve loved you from that moment
but, I didn’t know it yet
and never saw it coming.
I’ve loved you since…
the first time you let your hair down
since you started in September.
That day
we rode to Capital Rep
on a yellow school bus
and I was pretending to be reading
Of Mice and Men,
two seats back from you on the left side
and you were pretending to be listening
to my teacher’s conversation from the corner of your eye,
two seats up on the right side
and the whole time
we were staring at each other.
I couldn’t keep my eyes off you
and had no idea
you were staring back.
I’ve loved you since you told me
and I was almost mortified,
but, we had gotten so far past that,
I just smiled…
and I still laugh.
I’ve loved you since…
that play,
it was the first time we talked
and we both had planned it,
determined to sit next to one another
in separate schemes
with the same intention,
to start something,
before you left.
I still remember
when the lights went out,
I nearly negotiated my life,
squandering clean air
just to take in more of your perfume.
I just closed my eyes
and the whole theatre was so quiet,
I could hear you breathe.
The rhythm was so tranquil
and your breath smelled like mint.
My every sense filled with you
like running water
and I wanted to touch you so bad
I sat on both hands and bit my lips.
I’ve loved you since…
your last day
when I caught up to you in the hallway
and handed you an envelope
with a little note on the long triangular flap
that begged
“please don’t read me until you get home”
and you said “okay”
like you meant it
but, I was so scared
I skipped the rest of my classes.
I thought I would never see you again,
but I did.
And I loved you then,
two weeks later,
kneeling at my desk
asking if I would like to talk
after last period.
I was too nervous to look at you
or answer,
but, I came
and we talked for hours
over
those two days
you came to substitute.
You told me you were involved…
and about that line where I inferred you might be…
well I was right,
but, I couldn’t believe it,
I was only hoping.
I thought you were too beautiful
for any woman
and way out of my league.
I couldn’t believe you were so flattered,
I was waiting for the principal
to come in and take me,
but, you were so cool
you never told anyone
and risked your entire career
just to make me feel comfortable.
I loved you so much for that.
And through the next two months of not seeing you,
I wrote five more poems
you eventually read.
You called me shivering from a payphone,
just to say hello, wow and maybe I’ll see you
until you ran out of change,
but found a quarter
and called back just to say good-bye.
I’ve loved you ever since…
that first night
you drove me home from work
so I wouldn’t have to take the bus
and I asked you to come in
and we stayed up
just talking
an hour past mid-night
the week of mid-terms.
At my kitchen table,
I told you
all about my past
and you said you didn’t want to hurt me.
I fell in love with you there,
with every bone in my body.
I’ve loved you since…
the first time you told me
you must’ve stayed up on your pull-out sofa bed
reading that first poem I wrote to you
every night and every time
she made you feel bad,
so you lost count
because it was too many for your fingers
and too hard to remember
the last time that bruise ever changed back
to the color of your skin.
And that something heavy
I noticed in your eyes
at the front of the classroom,
when we were supposed to be too busy writing
to be looking,
was that you sat on the edge of your bed
crying
every morning
from something she never did,
from something she always said
because she treated you like shit
but, you didn’t know how to leave
and I thought,
how could such a smart woman
reduce herself to this?
I’ve loved you since…
the first time you looked in my refrigerator
with some condiments
and a half-empty box of pizza
and offered to buy me groceries
I’ve loved you since…
the first time you let me read
something you wrote
after ten minutes of hesitation
and the first line went,
“sometimes I lie in bed
and think about holding you in my arms”
and I almost broke down,
so I said you should go
and you did.
I’ve loved you since…
the first time
we both sat on my bed.
I leaned over to run my hands through my hair
and you snuck your arms around
from behind my back
then, quickly withdrew them
and said
“there I did it”.
I could only smile,
until I asked
“can I kiss you?”
and you said,
“yes”.
I’ve loved you since…
the first time
you showed up
and surprised me
on a Saturday afternoon
with torn jeans,
an old sweater and your baseball cap
backwards.
You said it was how you were most,
comfortable
and I said I thought, it was how you were most beautiful.
We sat watching movies like Ferris Bueller,
Private Parts
and a couple episodes of Beavis and Butthead
when you kneeled before me in my recliner,
with the sweetest face
and this worried expression.
You told me you smoked pot
and
“was I disappointed?”
I wish I had a picture of you there
so, fragile and vulnerable.
I took you in my hand
and said “no”.
I just fell in love with you,
and kept it to myself.
I’ve loved you since…
you showed up at my door
when there was one minute left
of Valentine’s Day.
You pulled a dozen roses from the back of your pants
and said
“I knew I couldn’t stay away”.
That night
I fell in love with you
again
and it spilled from my hands
as you lay perfectly aligned with my body
and still within the length of my crossed arms.
So, I seized the opportunity
and traced the words over your back
with the tips of my fingers
and vocabulary of my heart,
twice
before you made it out in the dark
without a response
but, it was enough for me that it was said
and that moment would always be ours.
I’ve loved you since…
you stood washing my dishes
to keep from crying
while I talked to my ex on the phone
and later when you went to a friend’s house while she came over
so I could choose between you.
I knew it was wrong
between the moment that you went
and in the instant I watched her get out of her car.
So, I told her it just wasn’t there anymore…
because you weren’t.
And I’ve loved you since you called
when I was still crying,
because it was still hard
and you asked what you could do
I said “just hold me”
you said “okay”
then, you did
and suddenly everything was.
I’ve loved you since…
you slid down from your seat on my sofa
and lazily wrapped your arms around my waist
then, rested your chin on my lap
after reading one of my poems…
since you said
“It would be so easy to fall in love with you”
and I learned that…
it didn’t come so easy to you
or at all.
But I never stopped waiting,
because loving you
had become part of who I was.
I’ve loved you since…
your best friend told me
you told her,
the only time you felt safe was when you were with me,
that I was everything you had ever wanted
and
she had never seen you so happy.
I’ve loved you since…
the time you fought with me
to take my hair down
and look in the mirror
because you wanted me to see
that I was beautiful.
And I loved you
the first time you told me that I was
because for the first time in my life
I believed it, in a way that I don’t think anymore.
I’ve loved you since…
you said that I deserved better than you,
but, I only wanted you
and didn’t care much for
what else I could have
or ever deserve later.
All I needed to see of my future
was in your eyes, so I guess
that’s why I kind of lost sight
of everything
when you left.
I’ve loved you since…
our first argument
when you asked me
not to use the “L” word anymore
because you weren’t sure
I knew what it was
or that I knew you well enough.
So, you asked me why
and what I loved about you,
all I could say was everything
and I guess it was too general
for you to believe me
because you said I couldn’t know that much about a person
in two months.
After you asked me not to be angry,
I was patient
and ready to prove you wrong.
So, I wrote this four-page poem
listing all the things I loved
about you
and I loved you then,
with your eyes welling
and your heart limp
when you said
“you know I can’t reciprocate this right now”
and I didn’t understand
so, I just nodded my head
and crawled into your lap
to keep from crying,
comforting myself with the thought
that at least you finally believed me
and knowledge is power,
but it’s not your heart.
I’ve loved you since…
the week you returned
from Florida with her
and you started your full-time position
at my school.
And I loved you even after
this distance grew between us
that you were stepping with…
or slipping
with purpose,
that I didn’t understand.
I just loved you more to fill in the dry land
and bring you to water
but, you know what they say
about that whole thing with horses,
well, it’s the same for humans
and it never helped
that we were both so stubborn.
I’ve loved you since…
you tried to break it off,
over the phone,
in the middle of a thunderstorm
and you couldn’t keep the subject straight
so I followed you
to keep from going forward
hoping you would back out
or at least keep skipping
and I guess the rain sided with me
because the power went out.
You called,
but I couldn’t answer
so, I saved the message
thinking
at least I could always hear you say
I’d see you tomorrow.
I’ve loved you since…
that next day
when I met you in that backroom
on the first floor
that divided stairways
leading out to the parking lot,
where I’d wait for you to pull in
from the third floor bathroom
and I’d run down
and beg you to come see me,
until you ran out of excuses
and it came to this.
You told me things I should’ve known,
but, didn’t
because I asked you things
I should’ve before,
but I never thought this would happen,
so, I never thought it would matter,
now it did and I wasn’t prepared, to listen.
I tried so hard
to be strong
that I just got mean,
in my best tough girl act,
in my best tough girl voice
saying
“fuck it,
just forget it ever happened”
and you said
“I don’t want to”
so, I asked what you did want
but, you didn’t know.
I’ve loved you even since that night
I couldn’t sleep,
so I stayed up until school opened
writing this
ten page letter, pleading
with you, to reconsider,
repositioning my stance
without pride,
saying I was sorry
and I would wait…
forever.
I’ve loved you since…
the night of my graduation.
All I did
was search the crowd,
only stopping to accept my certificate,
but, you never came in.
And suddenly everything I had achieved
in the last four years,
lost meaning.
I loved you every day and every minute
inside those next six months,
I waited
for you to figure out what you wanted,
while you stayed with her
and it never got
any better.
I loved you so much
I risked frostbite,
and personal injury
trudging through feet of snow
piled on the ground
and storming from the sky,
with only
a street name,
poor sense of direction,
and your license plate number
to find your house,
so I could leave my angry poems
on your windshield
wrapped in a plastic bag that got covered under the snow
and she almost cleaned it off
and could’ve found it
and it was stupid
and I’m sorry, but, I was hurting.
I’ve loved you since…
the time I followed you from your house
at seven o’ clock in the morning
to that little catholic school
where her daughter was in third grade
and you were teaching sixth.
I knocked on the frame of your door,
I felt my heart beat and it was somewhat startling
when I took in the air and let out a breath,
because it was the first in what seemed like forever
when you looked up at me from your desk.
I still loved you, so much
but, no, I didn’t want you to come over,
sometime
to try and tell me why
when you couldn’t even tell me what happened
when I was stupid enough to ask
before I realized, I didn’t really want an answer
I just wanted you
to come back.
So, no, there’s nothing you can do
to make me feel any better
if you can’t do that.
I’ve loved you since
I changed my mind
and you finally came
just to break my heart in person
because yes, you were still moving
and it was to another state
and it was to Florida
and you were going there
with someone
and it was
that girl
the one you met in Florida
that week.
That distance between us then, had a name now
and it was Liz
and yes
you loved her
because she gave you that comfortable feeling
you always gave me
and
you see
forever with her.
You told her everything about us
and I wondered what that was
and if she could tell me
WHY
and what your heart felt like
when it was warm,
but, then I realized she was too busy
stealing you
from me.
I’ve loved you since…
you called me later that night
when I had stopped eating,
and sleeping,
or living, like a human being
with needs that could be met.
So, I was close to the phone when it rang,
but surprised to hear you crying
and for a minute
I thought you just felt that bad
and for a second I thought you still cared,
but, then you told me
that you had come home late
and she had thrown all your stuff into the street.
And she was drunk
and she was screaming
and you didn’t know where to go
so, I told you to grab what you could
and of course you could stay here.
I had been drinking,
I didn’t have a car,
it was after twelve and there were no buses
and I had no money to take one
or any idea how bad it was.
So, I just waited.
I just lay on my sofa
with my eyes burning
and my heart hoping,
until it got later
and I just got more and more
worried.
But, I couldn’t do anything.
Maybe you had changed your mind,
it wasn’t the first time she had done this,
but, what if it was like the time
she clasped her hands around your neck.
What if you were just talking it out or making, up?
I lay there thinking
until it was morning
and the phone never rang
or left my hands.
I called the school
until they got all huffy
and refused to speak to me anymore
and I never knew anything
until I got to work
and your best friend told me
about the police
and her arrest
for assaulting you
and you were shook up,
but, okay
and she’d tell you to call me
and you did.
But, I’ve never forgotten that I wasn’t there for you
even though you didn’t want me anymore,
I would have done anything to protect you.
I’ve loved you since…
you never made it back to say good-bye,
but, brought that picture I asked for
the last time I saw you at my place
and made you take the roses
even though you called me a jerk.
I always loved the way you said it
in your little accent and crooked smile
or maybe I just loved you
and everything that came with your face.
I’ve loved you since…
I started calling your parent’s house,
to ask when you were leaving
or just maybe…
staying?
I sent you packages
with your favorite movie,
something soft to sleep with
and some silly hallmark card
to cheer you up
and how is your eye healing?
You might’ve returned my call once.
I have the message saved,
but, then you were here, you were there
one time your sister told me you were in the Hamptons with Liz.
Then you were just out…somewhere.
And finally, your sister told me,
you left last week.
And I loved you still,
after breaking my broomstick in half
beating my punch bag with it,
after… crying so hard
I made a bonfire with the bags under my eyes
slumped in the doorway to my bathroom…
after I had to hold my stomach to keep from tearing out my hair
or putting my head through the wall
just to stop the throbbing,
just to stop from breathing
the air that broke through my lungs in sobs.
You might’ve called once
to tell me you were okay
or you would be.
And the one time you had been to the beach,
so far
a hammerhead shark washed up,
isn’t that so eerie?
And you have a job
and you’re happy or you will be.
“Do I want you to call me when you get settled?”
you asked
so, I paused and rolled my eyes back into my head,
forced the tears from my cheek then
cleared my throat to say “yes”.
And I guess that was the last time we spoke.
And I guess it’s been awhile now,
since you left the state.
I guess it’s been even longer since it was really over
and you just left me…
God, yes,
that was three years ago,
but, I have loved you
ever since.
